Copyright © 2020 Nameya Jacobs

THE SEVEN MEN YOU'LL SLEEP WITH

If you're a woman who is attracted to men, first of all, my sincerest apologies. Second of all, chances are you're going to sleep with one (or all) of these seven men. It seems as though regardless of where in the world they're from, women tend to sleep with the same type of men as if the universe is playing an elaborate joke on women's orgasms.

For those of you who haven't slept with anyone yet, or would just like to get a kick out of me generalising men's sexual abilities, here are seven men you'll sleep with:

#1: THE BOYFRIEND

You've been dating for a couple of months now, and the sex has gotten progressively better since you started dating. You've already farted in front of him, so you're comfortable enough to try and contort yourself into the positions you've seen Riley Reid in, and he seems to enjoy it so why not? You cum...sometimes, but if you don't, he tries his best to make sure you do.

#2: THE ONE-NIGHT-STAND

He's a friend-of-a-friend and you've heard he's good in bed, so why not? You soon find out he isn't, and that whiskey dick isn't an urban legend. It is very, very real, and just as disappointing as your friends said it would be.

#3: THE FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS

You like him enough to see you naked, but not enough to see you outside in the daylight. You've agreed not to catch feelings, and you don't like his toenails so that's not a problem, but the post-sex cuddles get you thinking, "what if?" Snap out of it.

#4: THE 69-ER

Out of all the positions in the world, 69 is somehow his favourite. You could have your legs behind your head and he'd still ask you to turn around. You do it once or twice, because he's sweet and it's flattering, but you know you're going to fart in his face one day.

Serves him right, if you ask me.

#5: THE "WE MADE LOVE"

You thought making love was reserved for romcoms like "The Notebook", but apparently Vuyo thinks the three minutes you spent together directly correlated with sappy Hollywood movies from the early 2000's.

#6: THE VIRGIN

Either he cums in under a minute or you're in bed for over an hour. There's no in between.

#7: THE RAPID TEST

You've run out of condoms, but you've already gone through foreplay and he's hot, so why not? Because STD's, Karen. That's why not.